How We Poisoned Love?

The Destructive Ideas of Romanticism

by Ronald Michael Quijano

Pleasure and problems are everywhere. From our parents to our families, from friendship to intimate relationships - everyone seems to be having a hard time settling with such commitment. Society's growing problem in their environment is much worse, but these personal obligations seem to be spontaneously jumping all over the place. In this essay, I will be discussing the ideas we've been patronizing for a long time that seems to be causing problems to most of our relationships. The ideas that seem to be giving pleasure to us, but only for the short term. An idea that almost everyone is a fan of and thereof almost everyone has gone into dealing with relationships in the wrong way. Special thanks to Alain De Botton and the School of life for giving me the inspiration to write this essay. Maybe, you are asking the reason why did I made such an essay - I think because most concepts of love we have on our lists today are harmful enough to increase the number when it comes to toxic relationships. In fact, according to Yourtango experts, 71% of experts identify poor relationship role models, including parents, as the leading cause of toxic relationship habits. Furthermore, according to The Daily Mail, about 6 in 10 people have stayed in relationships they didn't find fulfilling. So I wrote this essay to point out the things I think have contributed to the harmful idea of love we seem to be patronizing for a long time. 

Most of the ideas of love we have today come from creative narratives - love novels, love stories, love series, movies, poems, news, and even love songs. We manage to make these concepts a role model for our ideal relationships. However, things are different from what they usually resemble. We are also have been conditioned to think is the right thing through social conformity. We surf the crowds when it comes to popular opinions. We think that the popular the idea, the better it is. Romanticism has influenced us in our daily lives consciously and unconsciously. It made us think that their beautiful, kind, and pleasurable ideas are the highest ideal form of love there is. Now, to analyze how harmful and ineffective their concepts of love are, I need to pinpoint their assumptions first regarding the idea of love.

Movies, songs, books, Facebook posts, and even featured news keep repeating to us the belief that everyone has a soulmate waiting to be discovered. I remember seeing one particular post on Facebook saying that human beings upon creation have two sets of heads, arms, legs, and others. But Zeus divided us into two, leading to the separation of once joined bodies as far as they can, leaving humans searching for their other half throughout their lives. Besides, our culture which seems to have a strong belief in destiny or tadhana affected us in similar ways. The idea of a soul mate is someone who is a perfect fit for your personality, a person who shares the same hobbies, likes, or dislikes that make you both comfortable with each other. Self-proclaimed zodiac and horoscope experts are amplifying such a message, claiming that the universe - despite its destructive nature - has spent its precious time designing your destiny. And since the common criterion of a soul mate is perfection, we usually conceal our flaws just to be accepted. We only look for perfection, we do not seek love anymore, we seek a familiar convention. This normalized belief has led our minds to have a fixed and unrealistic idealism to look only for perfection and not accept the fact that we are all flawed. That is why most relationships start with a kind, beautiful, patient, determined, and overflowing effort of love, but as time went on, the beautiful surface starts wearing off revealing their true personality and character.

I cannot point my finger at those who patronize such concepts, because really, how wonderful it is to feel the immediate sensation of certainty when you happen to encounter your one true love. Your heart will immediately know whether that person is the love of your life. Their touch, their smile, the way they talk, and the sparkle in their eyes are the very sign of knowing it. These are beautiful constructs, the exciting feeling that makes your heart beat faster, the combination of cold and warm air that swarms to your skin every time your eyes meet. However, these are just a series of chemical reactions happening to your brain due to the secretion of estrogen and testosterone, and guess what, it happens whenever we feel aroused. Just because you feel horny doesn't mean it's love. We are animals, we share the same characteristics as having the urge to preserve our DNA through mating. Having the impulse urge to have sex is in our biological code, the same with that flora and fauna. The only difference between us and them is that we can think, reason, and contemplate. We are socially engaging and psychologically needy. It is the part of us that evolved to value such a critical relationship. We have crucial emotion that is in need of security and peace. As human beings, it would be harmful to our valued relationships to only be decided by instinct and carelessness. 

When we think of love, we expect to experience the same thing we see in creative narratives. The drama that is being promoted to our lives is not just being practiced but romanticized. Every conflict we see in movies or novels seems to require drama. Partners do not just think of a resolution but also add a lot of crying and poetic dialogue. Our mind has been conditioned to think that love must have a dramatic nature on its way. We solve our problems the way love movies solve theirs, instead of sitting together, talking calmly, and assessing the situation with humility. The kind of love we now have is wordless. We think it is supposed to be wordless. We expect our partner to intuitionally know what makes us upset. We expect them to be a mind reader, and if that expectation was not met, an additional problem is bestowed, our disappointment grows, we now think of our partner as useless and inconsiderate idiots. This toxic idea enfeebles our capacity to remain calm and to explain why we are upset. Talking to your partner is not that hard if you think of it. Among all the significant problems you need to resolve, moodiness is not worthy of spending your whole day arguing. If you're partner upsets you or something bothers you, there's no best resolution but to talk it over and help one another, to learn to say sorry to extinguish tension, and bestow humility at all times. You do not have to be logical in a relationship at all times. Saving such a cherished relationship through humility is more important than proving your point arrogantly. 

Another idea creative narratives have given us is that sex is the crowning expression of love. Plots in most romantic movies are seemingly physically intimate. It excites us in so many ways that our relationship now seems to require such activity. Our modern society is now conditioned to think that the longer we are with someone the more we feel necessary to be sexually intimate with him or her. Whenever someone asks you if you and a longtime partner already had sex, then you tell them "no", the majority will not just don't believe but will insist that the two of you already had. I've experienced that many times, from families to friends asking me the same question only then replying with dismay. Sex is just one of many languages you may use to bestow such love and intimacy, but that doesn't mean it is an everyday necessity. Kiss, touch, talks, walks, dates, caress, embrace, care, and many more are genuine options not needed for physical permission. Put that in your mind. 

With all the ideas presented in this essay, you might be thinking if should you expect less love. Well, yes, and here are the reasons why. First, just because you expect less of love doesn't mean you won't get love. Hoping too much is putting us in a higher flight that will cause a much worse fall. Expecting less love does not just prevent us from extreme disappointment but also makes us understand that our partner is not a factory of satisfaction. Second, according to Alain de Botton - the founder of the School of Life -we need to stop thinking that our partners can match all interests in existence together. There are things you might do together and alone. We have commonalities and differences in doings and interests. A degree of independence is not a sign of betrayal, it's just that we need to spend time with ourselves alone. And also, we need to stop blaming our partners for being someone they never were. We often think we look for love, but what we are just looking for is familiarity. We think we are looking for someone who truly cares for us but it is not quite true. It is a beautiful idea to have someone who will support you no matter what, but however wonderful it is, it is catastrophic. You are just looking for someone to support you in your laziness playing video games all day because that is the familiar care you are seeking. You look for someone who will support your failure because that is the familiarity you are after. The familiarity of comfort comes from how your parents raised you.

Today, it seems farfetched to reconstruct the idea of love from the romanticism that was advertised to us for a long time, but it is not impossible. What we need to do is to cultivate our minds and emotion, not our desires. Let us stop thinking that the best form of love is accepting someone for who they really are. A genuine form of love is to educate one another of each imperfection and help one another to cultivate our character, find peace and humility, and transform to become the best person we could possibly be. Now that's love.